All of a sudden I understood, in a way that could only be described as a visceral fully body knowing, that we are here with a single purpose- to shine.
Photo credit: Oliver Ash

Photo credit: Oliver Ash

it was 2010 and I found myself lying in bed, extremely sick, in the midst of my very own living nightmare.

At the time I was 24 years old, and sick with god-knows-what, quite literally. I didn’t know- and the doctors didn’t know. I was experiencing bouts of nausea and dizziness and going from hot to cold within minutes. I felt weak and sometimes my heart felt like it was beating so hard it would jump out of my chest.

Doctors suggested various explanations for my illness; vertigo, a virus, anxiety, depression- I had had scans and blood tests to try and find what was crippling my life.

I was scared. Something felt awfully wrong, yet the medical folk couldn’t tell me what it was.

I had previously endured glandular fever, flu, as well as ‘high functioning’ anxiety and depression- but absolutely nothing like this.

I was calling in sick day by day, and then, week by week, as I recognised I wasn’t recovering any time soon.

I recall one day, in those early weeks of illness, more vividly than the rest. I was lying in bed, acutely aware of the fact that everyone I knew and loved was at work, going about their regular lives.

And there I was, without choice about where I could go and what I could do, confined to bed. Life had become a struggle, to illustrate how much so, even making vegemite toast required a great deal of determination.

I found myself meeting an edge inside of myself that I’d never met before; regardless of how hard I tried I couldn’t fix things by pushing through or intelligent thinking.

I resorted to trying to use my intuition [something I had learned about in a women’s circle the year before] to find some kind of meaning for what I was experiencing.

I decided to ask myself a question and answer it honestly, from the depths of my being [not my head].

With the understanding that I needed some kind of miracle to help me get well, I knew I had to dig deep.

I asked myself: for what reason would I truly want to get out of bed?

In that moment I wasn’t asking my ego/personality- I’d heard their answers, they wanted to get back to the very demanding management job I had recently landed in a Not-for-profit org.

I asked something more real, a part of me that was quieter and often ignored, in the hope of accessing a deeper level of knowing.

The response to this question arrived quickly- and it' surprised me. The truth was that deep down I did not want to return to my job. The response I heard told me that deep down, I wanted to be well so as I could enjoy trees, nature, laughing and time with people I love.

I instantly understood that what I truly wanted [and needed], more than anything, was to nurture something I had just become aware of - my ‘inner light’.

What proceeded to happen was some kind of ‘download’ of understanding about life and what we’re actually here for- and it all revolved around this inner light.

All of a sudden I understood, in a way that could only be described as a visceral fully body knowing, that we are here with a single purpose- to shine.

I understood that this new awareness was also my new truth, and I couldn’t forget it. I also knew that given the opportunity [with health returned], my mind would take control and return me to life as I knew it- with a focus on what I ‘believed’ would bring me happiness.

So, on that day, I started a blog, dedicated to recording my insights from my bed- about what matters in life. I wrote about all of the ways in which I had been prevented from knowing about and nurturing my inner light before my illness. I documented the ways in which my mind had steered me away from my inner light; because I knew I would possibly need reminders to keep me on track in future.

Writing my blog was yet another reminder, that I love to write. I hadn’t taken the time to even consider that I could write for pleasure, I had been so busy in my 9-5 lifestyle that my love of writing was long forgotten. Soon I found myself lighting up through writing.

As tough as it was, deep down I knew that this illness had pulled the rug out from beneath my feet for a purpose, it was a wake-up call. I sense that I had to get that sick before I would understand, before I would listen and honour my inner light.

The truth is, if I hadn’t been forced into stillness [pretty much incapacitated], my ego would have remained in control - in the drivers seat of my life.

During the illness I was forced to resign from my job, because I literally couldn’t get to work- and after several weeks I realised I had no idea when I might be able to return, because I still didn’t know what on earth was wrong.

I did eventually find out what had made me so sick, it was iodine poisoning from a soy milk I’d been drinking for around 18 months- it was recalled at the end of 2009 due to consumers of it to attending emergency departments around Australia with iodine toxicity. Ironically, the milk was considered the healthiest soy milk on the market. The high levels of iodine drove my thyroid function up to a dangerously high level, which explains the myriad of symptoms.

It all made sense, eventually. But that didn’t erase the many many months of living with the fear that I might die of the ‘mystery illness’.

Not too surprisingly, after a year off work and my thyroid levels returning to normal, I didn’t just bounce back to full health. What followed my initial recovery from the iodine toxicity and hyperthyroidism, was Chronic Fatigue and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder #notfun

A situation of chronic ill health led me to become deeply curious about what supports health; how do we achieve health? Finding a path towards healing led me to learn a whole lot about health and healing. I have explored many holistic modalities as well as conventional medicine & conventional psychology right through to energy healing and neuroscience.

And at the crux of it, the thing I have found to be the most important, is to do whatever it is that nurtures my inner light. This includes peeling away the layers of ‘stuff’ that dims my light.

The kinds of things that dim our light are beliefs about ourselves & others, ways of relating to others that require us to hide our own light, perfectionism, self-criticism, feeling ‘not enough’, unprocessed traumatic experiences, unhealthy foods and environments (to name a few).

On the other hand, the kinds of things that brighten our lights are: mindfulness and self compassion, authentic connection, doing what we love, time in nature, belief in our own worth, a sense of purpose & fulfilment in life, unconditional love and feeling connected to something bigger than ourselves (ie the Universe, nature, God, angels, buddha…).

When we focus on the light, we simplify things, we pay attention to what we want - and our body, mind and soul thrive.

If the light is your guide, and you trust in that light, miracles are indeed possible.

These days, I show up fully as I am with my quirky ways and loud laughter, doing what I love and inviting others to tap into their inner knowing. I help sensitive, big hearted and deep thinking women to be true to themselves and nourish their inner light.

This is one of the things that lights me up!! I absolutely love it and get really excited about it!

I am now living on purpose fuelling my light and committed to helping you to do the same - it’s win-win [light + light].

xo

Sarah